stagnant;

i feel as if i haven't moved the passed day.
i've either been laying/sitting in the same spot.
staring at the wall; with one major thing on my mind.
so much is going through my fucking head; i've produced a terrible headache.
i've felt slightly sick? i don't know.
and i've been breathing weird? i also don't know.
i think all these thoughts and mixed emotions is taking a toll.
but that's minor to the major.

a big bad has happened.
as much as i didn't and don't want it to.
i just feel so stuck.
not knowing what to say and/or do.
not that it's a trying to say or do just to say "oh, i might as well".
it's the right say/do.
it's hard to express myself, being such an introvertedly expressive person.
words aren't enough for me; nor can i realy do it through words.
it sucks, but...that's just how i am. yay me.
this trait of mine is causing major issues in my life.
things that shouldn't be an issue in the first place.

i feel as if i've royally screwed something beautiful up because of it.
and as well as my lifestyle at the moment.
shit i can't necessarily help, as muchas i want to, hence it being a problem.
there's but so much i can fix here; working on the way i express myself needs to be one of them.

this problem needs to be fixed asap; i can't lose this royally beautiful thing in my life.
it's not an option; nor can i live without her.
it hasn't been that long, so time isn't the factor.
it's just the emotions recieved from this beautiful thing.
the whole-ness i recieve from this beautiful thing.
the "i can't live without you" i recieve from this beautiful thing.

i've never been through anything like this before.
and i hate not knowing what to do about things.
it drives me crazy; but with me....others may not know what i go through.
or how i may feel about something, et cetera, because of my expressive ways.
sometimes it's good; times like this...it's not.

i need...fuck that; living is only an option with this beautiful thing in my life.
i do not want to give it up and i refuse to.
so, me not acting on what to say or do right at this moment;
first off...is because i'm scared.
the thought of this loss scares the shit out of me.
memories sadden me.
future thought with this beautiful thing potentially is going to make me the happiest person.

hence, the situation of myself and this beautiful thing.
it seems as if it's going to take forever to get there.
and i will fucking wait as long as i fucking have to to get that.
i don't want another "beautiful thing" or experience anything else.
reason: there isn't.
there's no other beautiful thing that makes me as happy as this one does.
no other beautiful thing that is fucking hands down perfect for me.

my mind is going crazy.
how to express it properly; my body doesn't know.
blair robinson is more than confused.
different areas of my body send different signals.
my mind is what's going right now.
my body otherwise, leaves me stagnant - not knowing what to do.
i'm just fucking scared.

i need/want all this other shit i have to do with my life to..
you know, dissappear so i can have this beautiful thing all i want to.
to have and to hold until the fucking wheels fall off.
i need it. so terribly bad.

it will always be mine, for forever and for always.
me fucking up, doesn't mean me is going to give up.
it's not an option; shits hectic.
i've got too much going on, and my beautiful thing isn't getting the proper attention it needs.
and i know that and it sucks, but...it's got to be gotten through to be happy...
shit doesn't always work out as planned.
this needs to be tuff'd out.

i can't sleep; barely eat.
my body physically doesn't feel right.
and my heart feels empty.
the only thing progessing right now is my artistic expression.
i have yet to put my sharpies away.
that's the only way i can do so right now.

until - i can make bigger moves really soon to try to get my beautiful thing back.
i've fallen in love with it, and i forever will be.
i've never had to really work hard for anything;
not saying i'm spoilled or anything, but there's never been anything for me to work hard for.
but starting now, it's hitting effect.
better now than later; it's not too late and i know that.
i believe in love, because i've come to know how it feels physically and mentally.
and in my heart, one thing i do know is my heart.
i know how i feel, and i unconditionall am so in love with this beautiful thing.

i don't know what i'm saying.
it's just flowing out, hopefully being the non-edited expressions that i portray all the time.
straight from the heart, it is what it is.
right here, i put it out there that i have completely fallen in love with you, carmela michelle hernandez.
and nothing is going to change that. whether we're together or not.
this is really hard; being apart, our different lifestyles, et cetera.
but our love is so much more than that.
you mean the world to me, and all i want for you to be is happy, nothing less than that.
if it takes us not being together and you to be happy, fine.

but, i know deep, deep, deep down...i can be that happy for you.
distance kills yo; it's a fucking murderer.
but, we can work this out.

you've been nothing less than perfect to me, you're the best.
best i've ever had; best i'll ever have; you're all i want.
the only one for me - real talk.

i love you, i love you, i love you, and i love you some more.
i love you infinately. time isn't a factor with my love for you.
i'll love you longer than time.

just, don't close your heart on me.
i'm begging you...we are good together.
fuck that, we're the best for each other.
this is all so new...i'm just asking you to bear with me, one more time....
this time being the last time, i just can't imagine my life without you.
this has been the weirdest few hours for me.
i just don't know what to do.
all my thoughts that consist of you; portray sadness or the thought of losing you.
i can't have that.

just, let me be your happy.
i'm so in love with you, and nothing will change that. <3.



bloop. :(